*** PLEASE NOTE: There will be extensive mention of abuse (sexual, emotional), mental health, self-harm, and suicidal ideation. If these things make you uncomfortable/trigger you, please read with caution! ***
— BACKGROUND & THE STORY THUS FAR —
Hello everyone! My name is Adelle, I’m 28 and currently working in information technology as an analyst/desktop support professional. I do art on the side both as a hobby and occasionally professionally, and spend any other free time I have writing or gaming. And I’ve been struggling with my mental health all my life. Mental health disorders run in my family, which has been compounded by the fact I have also survived various abuses since childhood, primarily emotional and sexual, some aspects of which are still ongoing (please note that I am physically safe at this point in my life).
I was put into therapy at 6y/o and have been in it ever since. I had many incorrect diagnoses growing up (Major Depressive Disorder, Schizotypal Personality Disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder, and more), and was unsuccessfully treated. During my teenage years, I regularly self-harmed and attempted suicide twice, and was hospitalized in a psychiatric inpatient unit for suicidal ideation three times. However, in my late teens (17-18) I was successfully diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder and began treatment, which had been life-changing. Due to Bipolar being a life-long disorder, I have and will always struggle with long-lasting depressive episodes and have thus remained in constant treatment. But, for the most part, I was able to turn my life around.
Unfortunately, in the last 3-4 years, life events started me on a downward spiral that I have been unable to recover from and continue to get worse. It was initiated by the loss of my job at the time leading to a year of unemployment without benefits/treatment or government support, as well as severe financial stress. When I did get a new job, I was able to begin treatment again. However, a work-related injury to my knee (also lifelong) put me out of commission. I have since then struggled with maintaining active employment and finances. Most recently, my mental health deteriorated to the point of once again struggling with suicidal ideation, leading me to go on disability with my current job to pursue more intense treatment. This disability is not FMLA and has no job security, and stopped providing any income (which was under 60% of my paycheck) as of 6/6/18.
Additionally, during this intense treatment, I was once again hospitalized for suicidal ideation (outpatient, three days a week for a month). I have also been diagnosed with additional mental health disorders: Adult Attention-Deficit Disorder (ADD) and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) and begun treatment for these, too. Currently, however, I have proven treatment resistant, and have remained out of work on disability myself, and my doctors are now pursuing more intensive forms of therapy.
Which leads us to the problem.